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15 April 2009 @ 03:05 am
Moving forward  
I've taken enough. I'm through with this crap. I did NOT hack Josh's Myspace. I won't say how I got that information, because I won't let anyone get yelled at, especially not for my sake. Just because my friends love and care about me. And no, that doesn't mean someone ELSE hacked his Myspace. No hacking, or anything of the sort went on. Nothing against Myspace's ToS went on. But I'm done with this. I've tried to be nice. I've TRIED to tell him the way he is acting, the things he's saying, they are unChrist-like, but I can't make him see that. But I know what I know, because every person who knows him says he's changed, and for the worse.

And you know what? I KNOW I'm a good person. I may make mistakes, but not any more than ANYONE else. I give and help others as much as I possibly can. It's why on GaiaOnline I have a blog of encouraging quotes. One that I hadn't done for awhile, but when I found out people were reading it, and some even subscribed, I kept doing it. Because I want to help others. It's why I want to be a counselor. I don't need someone with a heart full of hate telling me what they THINK they know about me. And I find it so funny that NO ONE else agrees. Not because "they're blind". But whatever. I've been pushed over the edge.

I'm moving forward, and that's it. I deserve happiness. I will pray that one day he sees how unChrist-like he's been, because I do not want his heart to be wrong with God. Whatever happens in terms of a relationship? At this point... I don't care. I will forgive him, but I REFUSE to be made out to be a horrible person. Enough is enough. My heart has been broken so much that I can't take anymore. And I'm not blaming anything on Josh. No. I'm not saying he's a bad person, because he's not, but he HAS changed, and not for the better. I KNOW the way I acted was wrong, but I said I was sorry more times than I should have had to. And he KNEW the reason I acted that way was a combination of anxiety and PMS. He KNEW I'd been feeling alone, because I couldn't even talk to him, because he'd been so busy. I'm not making him out to be the bad guy, HE is doing that by attacking me. By insulting me behind my back. By acting unChrist-like. I don't even know who that person is, because it's NOT Josh. And I know if he sees this he'll be mad, but I won't lie. And I made this viewable to everyone, because I won't say something about someone where they can't see it. And I have said nothing mean about him. I don't believe he's a bad person, but I do believe he's changed, and, like I said, not for the better. I also believe he's not acting like a Christian should. I don't want ANYONE to dislike him, and I hope that no one does because of this thing going on between us, but I need to be honest. He thinks I'm attacking him, when in reality, I was simply trying to tell him that the way he's acting is wrong.

And you know what? I may have done bad things in the past, I really do, but I KNOW I was ultimately a good girlfriend, a good person. Our relationship was amazing the past 3 months, with only normal fights and problems, like ANY couple. Oh, but I mess up every now and again and suddenly I'm a selfish person who just takes and takes and takes? Sorry, no. I KNOW who I am, and that is NOT it. When I read that I cried my eyes out, because if anyone else thought that I would be so ashamed of myself, because I strive to help others, and make their lives easier. I've actually stopped talking to people so much now, because I'm afraid I'm burdening them. Those words killed me, because they were said by him. Him of all people. That he would hold such an opinion of me kills me. I tried my hardest to be a good girlfriend, and maybe I didn't always do the best of jobs, but I DID try, and he wan't mister perfect, either. But I realized that everyone makes mistakes, and I got over it. He could have cheated on me (Even though I know he would NEVER do something like that), and I would forgive him and not leave him as long as he said he was sorry, and showed me that he wouldn't do it again. Why? I know EVERYONE makes mistakes. Big ones. And I believe in second chances. I believe in five million second chances, if need be. I know I have some problems I have to fix, and that's exactly why I'm in counseling now. And pretty much EVERY time I have wronged Josh, it was because of anxiety. And yes, that doesn't make it okay, but at least I realize that I need to fix and change myself, and AM. I felt horrible about what I did, but as per what LeAnn told me from HIS side of the story, his version was skewed. I KNOW what I did was wrong. He knew I knew. Why do you think I'm in counseling now? I love that boy with all of my heart, I do, but this is just too much on me. I want him back so bad, but his opinion of me is so negative at this point, I just don't know what to do any more. One of the reasons I'm letting go is because he seems happier without me, and that is so much more important than my own happiness. I'm sure he thinks I only care about myself and getting back with him, but I don't. My main goal has always been HIS happiness. However, considering I know about all of his past relationships, I had treated him the best. No one did random sweet things for him (Such as the night I told him I loved him and Valentine's Day this year). And I say these things NOT to hold something over his head, but as proof to my love to him. I did those things JUST to make him smile... NO other reason, regardless of what he believes (And honestly, whether he admits it or not, when you are hurt by someone, when you are mad at them, you only allow yourself to see the bad, even if there was more good than bad. Your brain only shows you the bad, because you're trying your best to not see the good. And, apparently, it skews what happens, making everything somehow negative that happens thereafter, even if it was accidental). I am saying these things because his mind has forgotten ANY good thing. If ever I gave myself off differently, I did not mean to. ALL I ever wanted was for his happiness. Everything I ever did was for HIS happiness. I know that sometimes I did not portray myself rightly, and for that, I am sorry. I am sorry that I did not always treat him the way I should have, but I cannot be expected to be perfect. My true intent had been (And still is) HIS happiness. I know no one can love him like I do, but I can't hurt him or myself anymore. Maybe one day we will find our way back to each other, and maybe we won't. Whatever is God's will, it will happen. But I honestly believe this had to happen because I need to better myself (It shocked me into getting counseling), and so does he. I need to rely more on God, and stop straying from Him quite a bit when things are good. One must be with God through the bad AND the good. ESPECIALLY the good, because we don't even deserve it. Sure, God strengthens us, but those who can stick with God through the good are even better followers than those who can stick with Him through the bad. This darkness will pass, and I will continue to walk with God.

And anyone who reads this, please don't hate Josh. The way I acted WAS wrong, that's why I'm in counseling now. Josh COULD have acted better, but I really am not trying to make him out to be the bad guy, or be hated by anyone. Emails I sent him the other day were sent because I don't want his heart to be wrong with God. I wanted to try and help him, but I realized that there are things that we have to realize on our own. Neither of us are the bad guy, and neither of us are the victim. We were both in the wrong in our own respects. So if you're his friend, don't stop because of me. Josh isn't a bad person, and he needs all the friends he can. He needs strength and support, just like me. I want so badly to change his opinion of me, but I really don't think I can right now, nor do I think it's the right time. Josh is still too hurt and angry. As for me? I'm not ready to confront him. I have not been in counseling long enough. I need to work on myself and fix myself. I still believe we're meant to be (And every sign and feeling I have ever been given enhances that, such as how the first kiss (and every kiss) was the only I ever had that felt right, and felt so different, the shooting star, and that necklace Josh found in LifeWay for our 2 year anniversary, to name a few), and I may always, but it's time I walked away. If, when I've changed, he's calmed down enough to let me talk to him, and he has found someone, I will accept that, because regardless of Josh's view on me, I DO want him to be happy, so much more so than my own happiness. I know the past few weeks I haven't shown that rightly, but it's hard to think straight when you're heart broken. When you're heart broken, sometimes all you can think about is getting that person back, because the pain hurts so bad, and you just want it to go away. It still hurts so bad, it really does. I know I have no one to blame but myself. But I finally see what has to be done, and I finally see it's only making things worse. I don't know what the future holds, but I am perfectly okay with that.

It's time for healing, time to move on, time to fix what's been broken too long. Everything is in God's hands now. I trust Him. I know who I am, and NO ONE but God can tell me otherwise, or judge me. And anyone who thinks they can needs to reevaluate themselves, because their heart is not right with God.

I love you, but I've had enough. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm not worried about it anymore. I'm sorry I couldn't be the person you wanted me to be, but I pray that one day I can. Goodbye.
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